all that's left to do is wish and pray,

all i do is sit far away,

watch you have a better life,

a better person by your side in life,

no reason for you to cry no more,

i'll be able to see you smiling once more,

that would be enough for me,

not like how it used to be,

when you were with me.

the forgotten.

So what if you say I'm a bitch?

You call me a bitch as if it's something bad. Lol. There is something known as Bitchology. And if you take the initiative to actually read it, it only basically means that :

Being a bitch means that,

I stand up to protect myself, my thought, my opinions, my beliefs.

I stand up for those I love, I stand up for my rights and what I really do deserve.

I speak out my mind, think my own thoughts,

or probably just do things just the way I like it to be.

I won't compromise with what's in my heart.

I just live my life my very own way.

I won't let anyone to step on me.

I refuse to tolerate injustice.

It means I have courage and strength to allow myself to be me.

So try to stomp me, douse my inner flame, squash every ounce of beauty I hold within,

trust me, you won't succeed.

And if that makes me a bitch, so be it.

I embrace the title and I'm proud to bear it.

So yes, I'm a bitch,got a problem suck your own dick :)

...

As they once said..

Love is not about finding the right person, but creating a right relationship. It's not about how much love you have in the beginning but how much love you build till the end.

Love is a noble act of self-giving, offering trust, faith, and loyalty. The more you love, the more you lose a part of yourself, yet you don't become less of who you are; you end up being complete with your loved ones.

The most precious love occurs without choice, and when you least expect it.

And when it all falls apart..

If I should die tonight and the reason remains unknown, tell not the whole world, but the one I love that I died of a broken heart, not because he loved me too little but because I loved him too much.

Time will prove my love to you and cement my place in your heart forever. For time will give me the credibility and the believability that I need to convince you to want to spend the rest of your life with me. That I am worthy of such a commitment from you.I always knew that looking back to the cries would make me laugh; but I never knew that looking back to the laughs would make me cry.

If your are meant to be together forever, you will survive any obstacle or trouble that comes to you.

If loving you would mean heartbreak and endless quarrels, it would be worth it.

awesomeeeee

24.06.2010

Today everything went on well,

I've got things right this time,

I finally got my license that's what I meant.

Oh well.

I'm pretty much bored at home.

Nothing much to do.

Break oh break, when is it even gonna be over!

GAHHHHHHHH!!!!

I miss the nonsense in college.

And now I know something for sure.

NOT SKIPPING anymore classes!

Hahaha.

Shit I'm dead bored until my brains are not even functioning well.

I blog later on.

signing off for now.

xxx

Hmmm.

Hmmmm. I wonder why!

At first you made it seem like you don't care about me and you don't love me.

And you return saying you love me and can't think of anyone else in my place.

But when I started to think maybe it is true what you said and I know it is too late.

I thought I was mean I was evil enough to do that to you.

BUT!

Now you've proven something to me.

You never changed. Not a little bit.

Your cryings were all fake!

You just couldn't accept the fact you don't own me anymore thats all.

Its not like you ever loved me.

Its so clear now. VERY clear indeed.

Thanks for hurting me once again.

And thanks for letting me feel I was dumb enough to actually believe you.

Thank you.

And may god bless you.

<3

ex's

i thought i was the one.......

And sometimes you wish you could change everything in your past,

but if you ever do that,

how will you even learn from your mistakes?

Yes I know for a fact, sometimes, a person's past will keep haunting you and never will leave your back no matter how hard you try.

Your mind has no tendency to ignore those "memories" which maybe disturbing for you.

But which human is perfect?

Everyone of us have dark pasts.

Almost everything is link to relationships.

Life is just unfair.

Those who deserve you never gets the whole you :)

And yes, those who don't deserve you, normally gets their hands on you when you're just a first timer.

Just so depressing :)

Random Part 2

I need to get a life!!!

[this week has been an awful,hectic week!

too many things to do, and too little time.]

Anyways back to my bloggie. Greetings people!

I'm kinda emoing today. Firstly, my fucked up chemistry test.

studied like mad, and all i got is "your time is up! put your pens down!"

like what the fuck ?!!!

Who even gives tests for 50 minutes with so many damn thinking type questions?

Argghhhhhhhh!

No point crying over that! Just pissing me off. But I just cant seem to get over it.

I just wanna go home! :(

I miss my Mom,suddenly.

I wanna scream out! I wanna cry out!

But it just fails to happen =.='

I don't know whats wrong with me lately.

Too much of mood swings, getting tensed up easily, always moody etc. etc. etc.

It's like I have been PMS-ing the whole damn week.

Not enough of that, stupid Mathematics Test tomorrow.

And I just joined the class yesterday, like seriously, am I Albert Einstein's daughter or what? !!!!!

You see, I've been such a messed up person. Screwing every single thing in life.

The last ever thing I would wanna do is spoiling my future :(

I don't really know what's going to be ahead of me!

Not talking about that for now.

I like how things are now on the other hand.

People did forgive me for my mistakes.

I appreciate that really much, thankies.

Though as I've been saying in my older posts,

I did hurt many people in life.

Some may even just punish you for somethings you never did.

Thats why I say, LIFE's always a BITCH!

you'd never know when it really does backstabbbbbb you.

I just feel so unsatisfied right now.

Only way to let it out is to write.

hate writing in my diary,coz when i'm at home,

Mom tends to read it!

pathetic much, i know :)

i just want things to work out right.

i want everything to be in place.

i want my whole routine to be organised.

if not, i'm just losing my patience thats all.

got to go now.

will write soon.

good night world...

xxxxxx

Random part

hello world...

today was an ordinary monday.

woke up.

looked myself in the mirror.

and its depressing.

anyways.

got ready for college.

its the old same routine

walk pass the guard house.

head to the cafeteria.

grab a chocolate-chip muffin with a can of coffee.

and rush to class.

it was chemistry in the first slot.

well i've like chemistry.

so its a deff i enjoy chemistry classes.

well well.

after that.

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i've dropped my mathematics 3c/3d

DEPRESSION!

got me all down today.

all depressed.

all stressed out.

life can be so fucked up.

dad told me to do what i think is the best.

love dad for that.

on the other hand

i'm thinking about my futureeee.

what am i going to do in life

it's like there's no clear cut at all.

i don't see where am i heading to!

lord! have mercyyyy.

after all that drama.

the blank stares.

the cries.

went for psychology.

went for english.

and sat for biology topic test.

and came back home in the rain.

one test down, twoo more to goooo.

phewww!

i'm exhausted people.

good night world,

till i write again.

xxxxxx

OMFG

Hello Bloggers!

Update!Update!

Today was an awesome day!

Everything was fine till Mr. English had to piss me off!

He just has to be picking on me all the time!!

eeeeeee!

Hate it much, but yeah have to see his face every Mondays and Thurdays.

ishhhhh!

Though at times, I enjoy his sarcasm! Hahaha.

I just did not say that.

Anyways next week is going to be hectic!!

Test! test! test!

And hell lots of assignments to do!

I'm getting lifeless day by day. I swear!

Lalalalalala.

I'm going home tomorrow. Weee!

Finally get to sleep on my own bed and not be stucked in hostel!

hahahaha.

Well I've got to go for now.

We'll be blogging soon.

Good night world!

xxxxx

Random Part 2

Hello World!

I'm bored! Absolutely bored!

Was asleep the whole day. LMAO

Woke up. Went for lunch.

Did a bit on my assignment.

Got bored of it.

Thought I could do something beneficial

but NAHHHH.

Lol. And then slept again.

Woke up. Went for dinner.

Came back and showered.

Felt so lifeless.

And talked to my bestie.

And she hung up.

And feel so lifeless again.

Hate being this way. But look what has stress done to me.

Lol.

Anyways, I'm not sure of what I'm even writing.

ROFL.

Good night World.

Till I write again.

xxxxx

Random

A Confession to Make . . .

Hello world,I'm here again. After ages. Just been sick,like really sick. Last week, I fell while playing netball, so had some back muscle injury. Was really an awful fall. After I recovered, after a few walk-in and out of the hospital, I fell sick. The 3-in-1 package. Lol. But anyways,I'm wanting to make this confession a long long time ago but just slipped of my mind. Hmm.

I've been a failure through out my life. I've caused so much of pain to a particular person, who now is not even my friend, it's a great lost though, but if thats what keeps him happy, I'll deal with it. All I'm able to say is again I'm really sorry. Please don't hate me. I do owe you an apology I know, but have you ever given me a chance to do so? Instead, you kept putting the blame on me and I stood there saying nothing, when you shouted infront of my friends, infront of everyone you called me names. How I felt at that moment, you'll never know. It's okay if you're upset with me, I know I deserve such a treatment. I always have been hearing your scoldings, your shoutings so what is this little humiliation do. No matter how you treat me, I'll still pray for your happiness, I'm not proving anything here like you've always said, when I try to voice out, you said I'm pretending all this while. Even when I'm writing this, I tear! Thats how much it hurts me when you say things like that. The other day, you scolded me, I was almost going to burst out crying, and thats the reason why I just walked away from you. I don't want to tear in front you. You know, it hurts the person more when the person tries to seek for apology. I just hope you're happy.

All I want is someone who I can trust, someone who I can love and loves me the way I do, not just leave me hanging all alone when I need him the most. Where on earth shall I find somebody like him, the person who loves me even more than I love myself. It seemed really impossible till I met this guy,(not mentioning names). Sometimes I wonder that do I really deserve him in my life?

For my past, was a really bad one. Yes, I admit that fact. I may have hurt many people in my life. Now after meeting him, he changed the whole in me. He loves me as a mother loves her child. He does everything that he can just to make me happy. I would be the dumbest ever person on earth if I break his heart. How can I ever do that? Never. I have seen the beauty if his love. The sincerity in him that makes me melt. And his kiss. Just puts me above the ground. It feels so nice when his lips touches mine. I just cant be bothered about any other things around me when I am with him. Oh! I just cant explain the feeling of being loved by someone who can sacrifce everything just to be with you. Sometimes when I am alone on my bed, I would be thinking of him. and suddenly my phone beeps. It is him! My heart shouts! I would be over the moon, when he rings my bells. I would spent the whole day with him, infact I did. If he can sacrifice so much, why cant I do the same? I would give him everything he wants. I would not refuse or deny all his wishes. I will give him willingly. I know, I'm not as good as he is. But still I would try my level best to keep him happy without shedding a tear, but however i end up screwing all the time. iloveyou <3

There's No Surprise :)

there's no surprise. . . . .

Hey people! It's been a while since I've blogged, was pretty much busy with college, topic tests, and stuff. Well, here I am again, blogging to kill time. It's pretty hard to catch some sleep nowadays, I keep wondering why. When others sleep, I don't, and when they don't, I do. LOL. When I'm awake at this awkward hours of the night, sometimes my little chunk of tissues and membranes, just keep flashing my life,my past life. Looking back is not what I ever intend to do. I never did, I never will. But I can't stop myself from thinking, on that one particular night, 03042010. Well, lets just not talk about it. It's really devastating, and you ( you know who you are, and I don't wish to mention names over here ) just lost everything, even that little sympathy I had for you, even after whatever you said to me, I kept telling myself, I shouldn't have been rude towards you. You'll never understand me, you never tried to anyways. Be angry at me, it's all your wish. I'm never going to bug you on this matter NO MORE. But it's really painful when such words I hear over and over again from your mouth, with your unpleasant speech! Anyways, all I can say is, I'm not having grudge against you and hopefully you don't as well. And I didn't blog to prove anything about myself if thats what you think of each and every post of mine, YES! YOU ARE WRONG! I don't care about whatever people say about me, I'm just living my life. And I don't need people to lead my life. I don't need people to me giving their opinions on what I should do and what not. I don't even let my parents decide my future, what else some ordinary outsider! Until today, this very minute, I do apologize for I choose to live my life my way, whats the point when there's no future. Well, if you're still mad at me, I don't blame you. At least I didn't drag it until its too late. And to my so-called-bestfriend. Thanks alot for backstabbing me again, no wonder I see wonders in your life now. Sorry, but you made me this way, People around me made me this way, I never choose to be this way, I really didn't. If you ever open my blog page, and seeing this, I am truthfully sorry for what I did, I know it's the worst anyone can do but I just want a life for myself, at least I didn't drag it till it's too late. Sorry for everything once again, and I'm not proving anything to anyone! I made myself clear this time. May god bless you.

xxxx

What Happens When He Is Your Prince Charming,But You're Not His Cinderella?

What Happens When He's Your Prince Charming,
But
You're Not His Cinderella?

We always ignore those who adore us, but adore those who ignore us. Knowing the fact that they can never be ours yet we don't stop going after them. Just to learn later on, you've given so much of love to that person and getting nothing in return will just tear you apart. It's the worst feeling ever. And when you have got your heartbroken, you'll still not hate them. It's amazing how someone can break your heart and you can still love them with all the little pieces left. You'll treasure the moments you had, and say, "He taught me how to love but not how to stop." You'll start thinking to yourself, the times we were happy together are worth the time I cry alone. Loving you is the sweetest mistake I've done, you'll keep reminding your little heart to continue beating. And when you look at your partner smiling, and knowing he/she isn't smiling because of you, that's the time you'll miss them the most!
Nothing hurts more than realizing that he meant everything to you but you never meant anything to him :)
And you'll say, "A million words would never bring you back, I know because I tried, neither would a million tears, I know because I cried. Loving you was the sweetest mistake I've made,yes I admit.
But you don't dare remember me when she finally forgets you! It's hard to pretend you love someone when you don't but it's harder to pretend that you don't love that someone, when you know you really do"

The Life I'm Living

The Life I'm Living
sometimes I'm grateful because I have him in my life,
sometimes I'm wanting to die because of the way my parents treat me,anything I do is never right,
sometimes I even doubt that I'm their daughter, hmmm.

To the love of my life, you know who you are, I'm sorry I screwed up many times but you do know how much I love you, I can't love anybody else this much, I swear I never did. You made me love you this much, don't ever leave me stranded half way, remember what promise you made to me, no matter what happens, you'll never let go off my hands. Please don't ever hurt me like how the others did, I am trying to be a better person each and everyday. I love you the way you are, you don't have to be like anybody else or even compare yourself with anyone else, to me, you're perfect enough. If you're seeing this, baby, I love you, and I can't wait till the day I finally get to live with you <3

To my mum and dad, I'm really sorry that I'm never a good daughter, yes I know, I'm rebellious and all, but I still love you mum and dad. I still want to make you proud of me, like how I always did and always will. Just one that I never listened that I am loving someone, Mum. I truly do love him, I'm sorry I can't help it. But that doesn't mean I'm neglecting you right? I always will spend my time with you, always will. I'm not that mean after all, I didn't mean to raise my voice mum,I just was tired, and you questioned me in such a way that I really got annoyed. See, I'm useless enough, always making you sad and always hurting you. When I see your tears, it kills me inside mum, it hurts me, really badly. I'm your daughter of course I feel it, I love you very much mum,I swear I do. Please please forgive me for what I did today. I'll prove myself, that I'll be a better person mum :)

To my best friend, Yinnba, you're the best ever partner in crime I ever had :) hahahaha. It's fun being with you, and I swear you're a nice person babe! Just too nice that everyone wants to backstab you. I'm surely going to miss you after AUSMAT course is over, and will wanna see you in Aussie soon enough kay? hehehe. And that Sunday, when you tried harming yourself, I thought I would lose you, I was so scared till I even thought of doing the same, goshhh. You really made me worried. Thank god you're safe now, don't you ever do it again! And Shafira, please stop emoing all the time, Yinba and I are always here for you alright? You'll get your life sorted out soon enough don't worry.All you need is time thats all. I'll miss you Shaf, once you leave to Canada next year :(
Nice friends I've got, will treasure you guys for life, I swear!

Another Tear Drop

Another Tear Drop on my cheeks


I don't know where to begin, I don't know how else to apologize. I just am so messed up and I don't know how else to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry I brought you into this mess. I shouldn't have if I knew things will go this way around. It's not fair for me to even hold on to you any longer, I feel like I'm cheating on you, I'm cheating to myself and I'm cheating everyone else. I don't wish to cheat you in any other way. Enough is enough. I really don't see a future in us, that's the reason why I asked us to go onto separate ways, I don't want you to suffer any longer, I don't even have time for you any longer, I don't even spend time with you. It's getting lesser each day till the day I ended everything. I told you, leave me alone, I just want to be alone, I wanted you to hate me so much so that you'll be able to forget me easily, it would be easier for you to forget about everything. You deserve to be happy Jif, go out there search for your happiness, I'm pretty sure, there would be someone out there who would keep you happy forever, be there for you whenever you need her, love you the way you want her to love you, and will always stand by your side. It's like I'm a bad person, no point you wanting a bad person like me, I never kept you happy right? That's what they all say, but again nobody understands what I'm feeling inside. I don't know whether where I'll be when you finally will forgive me for all my mistakes. Just that please understand one thing, all I do is for your own good, you will thank me someday, when you finally find your happiness. I truly believe you would find someday, I pray each day that you would be fine. I don't want you to get wasted, and please quit smoking. I know I hurt you alot, but you see, you won't regret my decision at all. Thank you for everything. I hope you will be successful one day, I have faith in you. Take care :)

One's First Love is Always Perfect, Until One Meets One's Second Love
and when one meets one's second love, the first love just remains as a fact,
left untouched, left unrevealed, left to be not mentioned ever again.


People say, first love, especially for girls, it's really hard to forget, I do agree. A girl tries her very best to erase each of her mistake just to make sure her love stays, her love remains and her love will last till eternity. So when a girl says she loves you, she really does mean it,never doubt it. And when the girl starts hating you, she might hate you for life.
But, when the same girl tends to feel the same love or maybe more love from another person, will she still think about her first ever love?
I wish I knew the answers to that question.

They said, love is the cure to a heart full of hatred, but when the hatred is caused by love, how is love suppose to cure that?
They said, the foundation of love is trust, but from the very beginning the partner loses trust in his/her partner, how is that called love?
They also said, the base for love is friendship, but are all friends tend to be potential lovers?
Where is love, when one is begging for love?
Where is love, when on is dying to be loved?
Where is love, when one bleeds for love?
And where is love, when it is suppose to cure a broken heart and mend the broken pieces of the heart?

So, love isn't about all this fancy words and sweet talks.
Love just happens when it is suppose to happen.
You can force love to stay in your command, You can't force someone to stay with your demand!
It's true what they said, You give wings to your love, It will feel freedom, fly everywhere and at the end of the day, it still returns to you.
But, If you hold on to it, never gave it space, it will suffocate and tend to die little by little,
Each second, each hour, each day
For all you know, you just lost the love of your life.
It is sad isn't it, but that's the truth people.

You'll never know the value of love, the value of someone who cares about you,
Until you actually lose the person,
And only then you'll act foolishly, wanting the person back,
But do you think, in the person's thought, you'll still remain as the same person you were before this?
The answer is NO, you'll never stay the same in her eyes. Never.
Face the fact people, try to realize and change yourselves.

Love is everything it's cracked up to be, it is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.

And there is no remedy for love, but to love more!

Hear Me

I'm Sorry,But I Don't Wan't to do This Anymore.Goodbye!

I never needed you to be strong,
I never needed you for pointing out my wrongs,
I never needed pain,
I never needed strain,
My love for you was strong enough you should have known,
I never needed you for judgments,
I never needed you to question what I spend,
I never asked for help,
I take care of myself,
I don't know why you think you've got a hold on me
And it's a little late for conversations,
There isn't anything for you to say,
And my eyes hurt, hands shiver,
So look at me, and listen to me..
Because
I don't want to stay another minute,
I don't want you to say a single word,
There is no other way, I get the final say,
Because..
I don't want to do this any longer,
I don't want you, there's nothing left to say,
I've already spoken, our love is broken,
I never needed your corrections,
On everything, from how I act, to what I say,
I never needed words,
I never needed hurts,
I never needed you to be there every day,
I'm sorry for the way I let go,
Of everything I wanted when you came along
But I am never beaten, broken, not defeated,
I know that next to you is not where I belong,
And it's a little late for explanations,
There isn't anything that you can do,
And my eyes hurt, hands shiver,
So you will listen when I say..
I don't want to stay another minute,
I don't want you to say a single word,
There is no other way, I get the final say,
Because..
I don't want to do this any longer,
I don't want you, there's nothing left to say,
I've already spoken, our love is broken,
No more words, no more lies, no more cryin',
No more pain, no more hurt, no more tryin',
I've already spoken, our love is broken.

Life, just another drama

LIFE, just another drama.

Why am i surrounded with people who just want to be pretenders,and not their ownselves? I thought, moving to another place, new people, new environment would help me forget things. BUT its not even helping an inch.It's like, you're stucked and you're unable to breakfree. I'm such a messed up person,yes I admit. But it's not like I'm not trying to sort things out. I miss you Papa,I miss talking to you, I miss you scolding me. I come to realize that, I'm nothing but a useless daughter, I never made you proud I guess, even I tried so so hard in academics but overall I still fail you. Yes, I know. I've failed many people in my life. All my friends, everyone around me especially my parents. I'm trying to change my whole self. I'm just trying so so hard. I'm sick of being taken for a ride,I'm sick of being the one who always to be blamed,I'm sick of being betrayed and all. So yeah, I can't take it no more. NO MORE. I don't know how much longer that I can take in. It's true what Papa said, once I'm on my own, I'll know the real world!!! but whats the point, when I'm just so screwed up right now. I've got to forget and leave everything else behind, and concentrate on my education, like big time. I don't want to fail my parents, especially, my dad. ONLY education comes first, and nothing else matters. It's high time, I take things seriously. So yeah, I don't want to be living a life full of drama. I want to face reality,I really want to. It's true what they said, you'll never get what you always wanted but what you never wanted is always there as an option. Come to think about it, I've seen that many times. I really one thing in my life, and now I'm scared will I ever get that one thing, since thats the thing I've always wanted. I'm scared that I'll never be able to have you for my entire life, knowing how much I need you. All I'm worried, if ever I mess up, I'm certainly losing you for definite. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to repeat my mistakes that I did before.
I really want to be a whole new person, why can't people let me be? Why are they bringing it back? Why can't they let me move on? Am I that bad of a person? Do I deserve this? Don't I deserve a chance to change myself. I really love you that I know, and I will only want you in my life. Please don't leave me even I know I screw up at times. I really apologize for whatever shit I did. I just want to be a better person from now on. I really mean what I'm saying.

If Today Was My Last Day

If Today Was My Last Day..tomorrow is just too late!

I have always been thinking, what if I'm alive this very second, and after I sleep tonight, I might never get to breathe again the next morning. What if, I'll never see the person I love anymore after tonight, what if I'll never get to talk to my mum and papa anymore,what if I can't see my friends anymore. What if...
Well, come to think about it, this has been bugging me lately, what if this, what if that. So yeah. Well, I'll never get to live my life twice, so I really want the best out of it. I want to receive love, and give love as well. I want everyone to be happy. I want YOU especially,to be happy. ONLY you. I really love you, I really do. All I want I, you being happy with me. I never want to hurt you. As long as I'm breathing, you're the most important person and the most I ever wanted. It's funny, when you're this madly in love, and suddenly you know you're about to live your very last moments. Reality, seriously hurts. So yeah, I've been thinking, what if this really happens. I will lose the most precious thing in my life, practically my life = to YOU. When there is no you, there is no reason for me to live. If Santa exist, I would ask you for Christmas. That's how much I'm in love with you. I get it, at times, I made you sad, but ignore that part and see how much you made me smile. How much you put life into me. How much you cared for me. How much you love me. It feels so good, when you know, there is someone at home who waits for you to return, just to talk to you just to spend time with you. I might sound a little stupid saying all this, but this is the only way I can express my feelings out. I really want to spend my whole life with you. My entire life with you. If ever, the day comes where you walk out of my life, I swear I'll die. I swear I will. I wish we will never break up, because my heart won't beat again, and that would kill me.

Two is Better Than One?

Two is Better Than One?

Here i am once again, all shattered.Ignorance just tore me apart. How could this happen to me? I thought you were different? But you prove me wrong!
They say TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE! but i don't seem to understand a single shit of that line!
I'm better off all alone i guess :(
Like those days I've always survived.
My tears just don't seem to come to an end
Why am I again giving my heart the reason to bleed?
It's already made up of joined up pieces, how more can it take?
How long can I tolerate all this?
I'm sorry God. I don't want to live anymore,just take me away from this world.
I can't tolerate this anymore.
I'm sorry mum and papa, I never have been a good daughter never been an obedient child.
All I want is a peace of mind, all i ever wanted is people to love me.
I'm sorry MUM, I'm sorry PAPA.