Life, just another drama

LIFE, just another drama.

Why am i surrounded with people who just want to be pretenders,and not their ownselves? I thought, moving to another place, new people, new environment would help me forget things. BUT its not even helping an inch.It's like, you're stucked and you're unable to breakfree. I'm such a messed up person,yes I admit. But it's not like I'm not trying to sort things out. I miss you Papa,I miss talking to you, I miss you scolding me. I come to realize that, I'm nothing but a useless daughter, I never made you proud I guess, even I tried so so hard in academics but overall I still fail you. Yes, I know. I've failed many people in my life. All my friends, everyone around me especially my parents. I'm trying to change my whole self. I'm just trying so so hard. I'm sick of being taken for a ride,I'm sick of being the one who always to be blamed,I'm sick of being betrayed and all. So yeah, I can't take it no more. NO MORE. I don't know how much longer that I can take in. It's true what Papa said, once I'm on my own, I'll know the real world!!! but whats the point, when I'm just so screwed up right now. I've got to forget and leave everything else behind, and concentrate on my education, like big time. I don't want to fail my parents, especially, my dad. ONLY education comes first, and nothing else matters. It's high time, I take things seriously. So yeah, I don't want to be living a life full of drama. I want to face reality,I really want to. It's true what they said, you'll never get what you always wanted but what you never wanted is always there as an option. Come to think about it, I've seen that many times. I really one thing in my life, and now I'm scared will I ever get that one thing, since thats the thing I've always wanted. I'm scared that I'll never be able to have you for my entire life, knowing how much I need you. All I'm worried, if ever I mess up, I'm certainly losing you for definite. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to repeat my mistakes that I did before.
I really want to be a whole new person, why can't people let me be? Why are they bringing it back? Why can't they let me move on? Am I that bad of a person? Do I deserve this? Don't I deserve a chance to change myself. I really love you that I know, and I will only want you in my life. Please don't leave me even I know I screw up at times. I really apologize for whatever shit I did. I just want to be a better person from now on. I really mean what I'm saying.