The Life I'm Living

The Life I'm Living
sometimes I'm grateful because I have him in my life,
sometimes I'm wanting to die because of the way my parents treat me,anything I do is never right,
sometimes I even doubt that I'm their daughter, hmmm.

To the love of my life, you know who you are, I'm sorry I screwed up many times but you do know how much I love you, I can't love anybody else this much, I swear I never did. You made me love you this much, don't ever leave me stranded half way, remember what promise you made to me, no matter what happens, you'll never let go off my hands. Please don't ever hurt me like how the others did, I am trying to be a better person each and everyday. I love you the way you are, you don't have to be like anybody else or even compare yourself with anyone else, to me, you're perfect enough. If you're seeing this, baby, I love you, and I can't wait till the day I finally get to live with you <3

To my mum and dad, I'm really sorry that I'm never a good daughter, yes I know, I'm rebellious and all, but I still love you mum and dad. I still want to make you proud of me, like how I always did and always will. Just one that I never listened that I am loving someone, Mum. I truly do love him, I'm sorry I can't help it. But that doesn't mean I'm neglecting you right? I always will spend my time with you, always will. I'm not that mean after all, I didn't mean to raise my voice mum,I just was tired, and you questioned me in such a way that I really got annoyed. See, I'm useless enough, always making you sad and always hurting you. When I see your tears, it kills me inside mum, it hurts me, really badly. I'm your daughter of course I feel it, I love you very much mum,I swear I do. Please please forgive me for what I did today. I'll prove myself, that I'll be a better person mum :)

To my best friend, Yinnba, you're the best ever partner in crime I ever had :) hahahaha. It's fun being with you, and I swear you're a nice person babe! Just too nice that everyone wants to backstab you. I'm surely going to miss you after AUSMAT course is over, and will wanna see you in Aussie soon enough kay? hehehe. And that Sunday, when you tried harming yourself, I thought I would lose you, I was so scared till I even thought of doing the same, goshhh. You really made me worried. Thank god you're safe now, don't you ever do it again! And Shafira, please stop emoing all the time, Yinba and I are always here for you alright? You'll get your life sorted out soon enough don't worry.All you need is time thats all. I'll miss you Shaf, once you leave to Canada next year :(
Nice friends I've got, will treasure you guys for life, I swear!

Another Tear Drop

Another Tear Drop on my cheeks


I don't know where to begin, I don't know how else to apologize. I just am so messed up and I don't know how else to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry I brought you into this mess. I shouldn't have if I knew things will go this way around. It's not fair for me to even hold on to you any longer, I feel like I'm cheating on you, I'm cheating to myself and I'm cheating everyone else. I don't wish to cheat you in any other way. Enough is enough. I really don't see a future in us, that's the reason why I asked us to go onto separate ways, I don't want you to suffer any longer, I don't even have time for you any longer, I don't even spend time with you. It's getting lesser each day till the day I ended everything. I told you, leave me alone, I just want to be alone, I wanted you to hate me so much so that you'll be able to forget me easily, it would be easier for you to forget about everything. You deserve to be happy Jif, go out there search for your happiness, I'm pretty sure, there would be someone out there who would keep you happy forever, be there for you whenever you need her, love you the way you want her to love you, and will always stand by your side. It's like I'm a bad person, no point you wanting a bad person like me, I never kept you happy right? That's what they all say, but again nobody understands what I'm feeling inside. I don't know whether where I'll be when you finally will forgive me for all my mistakes. Just that please understand one thing, all I do is for your own good, you will thank me someday, when you finally find your happiness. I truly believe you would find someday, I pray each day that you would be fine. I don't want you to get wasted, and please quit smoking. I know I hurt you alot, but you see, you won't regret my decision at all. Thank you for everything. I hope you will be successful one day, I have faith in you. Take care :)

One's First Love is Always Perfect, Until One Meets One's Second Love
and when one meets one's second love, the first love just remains as a fact,
left untouched, left unrevealed, left to be not mentioned ever again.


People say, first love, especially for girls, it's really hard to forget, I do agree. A girl tries her very best to erase each of her mistake just to make sure her love stays, her love remains and her love will last till eternity. So when a girl says she loves you, she really does mean it,never doubt it. And when the girl starts hating you, she might hate you for life.
But, when the same girl tends to feel the same love or maybe more love from another person, will she still think about her first ever love?
I wish I knew the answers to that question.

They said, love is the cure to a heart full of hatred, but when the hatred is caused by love, how is love suppose to cure that?
They said, the foundation of love is trust, but from the very beginning the partner loses trust in his/her partner, how is that called love?
They also said, the base for love is friendship, but are all friends tend to be potential lovers?
Where is love, when one is begging for love?
Where is love, when on is dying to be loved?
Where is love, when one bleeds for love?
And where is love, when it is suppose to cure a broken heart and mend the broken pieces of the heart?

So, love isn't about all this fancy words and sweet talks.
Love just happens when it is suppose to happen.
You can force love to stay in your command, You can't force someone to stay with your demand!
It's true what they said, You give wings to your love, It will feel freedom, fly everywhere and at the end of the day, it still returns to you.
But, If you hold on to it, never gave it space, it will suffocate and tend to die little by little,
Each second, each hour, each day
For all you know, you just lost the love of your life.
It is sad isn't it, but that's the truth people.

You'll never know the value of love, the value of someone who cares about you,
Until you actually lose the person,
And only then you'll act foolishly, wanting the person back,
But do you think, in the person's thought, you'll still remain as the same person you were before this?
The answer is NO, you'll never stay the same in her eyes. Never.
Face the fact people, try to realize and change yourselves.

Love is everything it's cracked up to be, it is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.

And there is no remedy for love, but to love more!

Hear Me

I'm Sorry,But I Don't Wan't to do This Anymore.Goodbye!

I never needed you to be strong,
I never needed you for pointing out my wrongs,
I never needed pain,
I never needed strain,
My love for you was strong enough you should have known,
I never needed you for judgments,
I never needed you to question what I spend,
I never asked for help,
I take care of myself,
I don't know why you think you've got a hold on me
And it's a little late for conversations,
There isn't anything for you to say,
And my eyes hurt, hands shiver,
So look at me, and listen to me..
Because
I don't want to stay another minute,
I don't want you to say a single word,
There is no other way, I get the final say,
Because..
I don't want to do this any longer,
I don't want you, there's nothing left to say,
I've already spoken, our love is broken,
I never needed your corrections,
On everything, from how I act, to what I say,
I never needed words,
I never needed hurts,
I never needed you to be there every day,
I'm sorry for the way I let go,
Of everything I wanted when you came along
But I am never beaten, broken, not defeated,
I know that next to you is not where I belong,
And it's a little late for explanations,
There isn't anything that you can do,
And my eyes hurt, hands shiver,
So you will listen when I say..
I don't want to stay another minute,
I don't want you to say a single word,
There is no other way, I get the final say,
Because..
I don't want to do this any longer,
I don't want you, there's nothing left to say,
I've already spoken, our love is broken,
No more words, no more lies, no more cryin',
No more pain, no more hurt, no more tryin',
I've already spoken, our love is broken.

Life, just another drama

LIFE, just another drama.

Why am i surrounded with people who just want to be pretenders,and not their ownselves? I thought, moving to another place, new people, new environment would help me forget things. BUT its not even helping an inch.It's like, you're stucked and you're unable to breakfree. I'm such a messed up person,yes I admit. But it's not like I'm not trying to sort things out. I miss you Papa,I miss talking to you, I miss you scolding me. I come to realize that, I'm nothing but a useless daughter, I never made you proud I guess, even I tried so so hard in academics but overall I still fail you. Yes, I know. I've failed many people in my life. All my friends, everyone around me especially my parents. I'm trying to change my whole self. I'm just trying so so hard. I'm sick of being taken for a ride,I'm sick of being the one who always to be blamed,I'm sick of being betrayed and all. So yeah, I can't take it no more. NO MORE. I don't know how much longer that I can take in. It's true what Papa said, once I'm on my own, I'll know the real world!!! but whats the point, when I'm just so screwed up right now. I've got to forget and leave everything else behind, and concentrate on my education, like big time. I don't want to fail my parents, especially, my dad. ONLY education comes first, and nothing else matters. It's high time, I take things seriously. So yeah, I don't want to be living a life full of drama. I want to face reality,I really want to. It's true what they said, you'll never get what you always wanted but what you never wanted is always there as an option. Come to think about it, I've seen that many times. I really one thing in my life, and now I'm scared will I ever get that one thing, since thats the thing I've always wanted. I'm scared that I'll never be able to have you for my entire life, knowing how much I need you. All I'm worried, if ever I mess up, I'm certainly losing you for definite. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to repeat my mistakes that I did before.
I really want to be a whole new person, why can't people let me be? Why are they bringing it back? Why can't they let me move on? Am I that bad of a person? Do I deserve this? Don't I deserve a chance to change myself. I really love you that I know, and I will only want you in my life. Please don't leave me even I know I screw up at times. I really apologize for whatever shit I did. I just want to be a better person from now on. I really mean what I'm saying.

If Today Was My Last Day

If Today Was My Last Day..tomorrow is just too late!

I have always been thinking, what if I'm alive this very second, and after I sleep tonight, I might never get to breathe again the next morning. What if, I'll never see the person I love anymore after tonight, what if I'll never get to talk to my mum and papa anymore,what if I can't see my friends anymore. What if...
Well, come to think about it, this has been bugging me lately, what if this, what if that. So yeah. Well, I'll never get to live my life twice, so I really want the best out of it. I want to receive love, and give love as well. I want everyone to be happy. I want YOU especially,to be happy. ONLY you. I really love you, I really do. All I want I, you being happy with me. I never want to hurt you. As long as I'm breathing, you're the most important person and the most I ever wanted. It's funny, when you're this madly in love, and suddenly you know you're about to live your very last moments. Reality, seriously hurts. So yeah, I've been thinking, what if this really happens. I will lose the most precious thing in my life, practically my life = to YOU. When there is no you, there is no reason for me to live. If Santa exist, I would ask you for Christmas. That's how much I'm in love with you. I get it, at times, I made you sad, but ignore that part and see how much you made me smile. How much you put life into me. How much you cared for me. How much you love me. It feels so good, when you know, there is someone at home who waits for you to return, just to talk to you just to spend time with you. I might sound a little stupid saying all this, but this is the only way I can express my feelings out. I really want to spend my whole life with you. My entire life with you. If ever, the day comes where you walk out of my life, I swear I'll die. I swear I will. I wish we will never break up, because my heart won't beat again, and that would kill me.

Two is Better Than One?

Two is Better Than One?

Here i am once again, all shattered.Ignorance just tore me apart. How could this happen to me? I thought you were different? But you prove me wrong!
They say TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE! but i don't seem to understand a single shit of that line!
I'm better off all alone i guess :(
Like those days I've always survived.
My tears just don't seem to come to an end
Why am I again giving my heart the reason to bleed?
It's already made up of joined up pieces, how more can it take?
How long can I tolerate all this?
I'm sorry God. I don't want to live anymore,just take me away from this world.
I can't tolerate this anymore.
I'm sorry mum and papa, I never have been a good daughter never been an obedient child.
All I want is a peace of mind, all i ever wanted is people to love me.
I'm sorry MUM, I'm sorry PAPA.